Be #1

Do you think Marie Antoinette looked like this everyday?  Without a doubt, yes! 

Now, we all do not have a bevy of handmaids and ladies-in-waiting like she did, but she was magnificent because she was willing to go through the long primping sessions to look fabulous.  She did it, because it made her feel fabulous.  Marie did not even care for King Louis, but she did it because she wanted to be her very best.  Every woman AND man should want to be their very best for themselves AND their lovers.  Being your best self means you take pride in your appearance and how you appear to others.  We want to give the impression that we care about ourselves and we care how others perceive us.  Some people may say, "I don't care what other people think," but why not, at the very least, care about yourself?  When you look your best, you feel your best.  You convey a sense of confidence and earn respect from a polished appearance.  It shows that you care enough to take a little more time to look better than "just good enough" to head out the door for the day.  I always want to be #1.  I do not mean in terms of competition with others.  I merely want to be the best for myself and my spouse.

There are times in relationships where people get comfortable.  I equate laziness with comfort in this case.  We no longer feel a need to try, because the other person has already accepted us.  When we get to the commitment phase, there seems to be a switch that flips.  Now the person is ours, so why bother?  We have what we want.  We gain weight.  We wear less than fabulous clothing.  We do not shave our legs (ladies), face (men), etc. as often.  We may not flat iron, curl, brush our hair as often.  The frequency of showers may be fewer.  What have you.  The point is, we start to get lazy and change our habits.  The efforts we put forth before do not seem necessary anymore.  Why?

Out of respect and love for our significant other and ourselves, why would we not want to be our very best...always?  Sure, there are days when you're tired or it's a weekend day.  We all get a pass when we have a "lazy" day.  Don't make it a habit though.  Make it a habit to primp yourself and be the person your lover wanted all of those years ago.  They are the reason you put forth so much effort before.  Show them you care by continuing to make an effort.  It is the highest compliment.  Who doesn't want their significant other to brag about them?  They will say to their family and friends, my wife, my husband, my girlfriend, my boyfriend is always neat and polished, prepared for whatever event pops up.  It is true that people are judged initially by their appearance.  Obviously, you are judged first by what people see.  This is the same thing that happens in a job interview.  You don't need to treat life like an ongoing interview, but treat it like you want to show your worth from the very first encounter.  For some, first impressions last forever.

For relationships, a changing appearance shows you don't care.  I know there are cases when both people start to slack.  Be the motivation for each other.  Don't allow either person to slack.  Positive reinforcement is key here.  Paying a compliment to your significant other makes them feel good.  Feeling good results in trying harder.  You want to keep hearing those compliments, so you will make an effort.  Even if you don't hear it all of the time, you'll know that your significant other is thinking it. 

Being your best for yourself, first and foremost, is the initial draw for others.  We're the peacock with the perpetually open tail fan.  If you think about it, you feel good and happy when you are your best.  Why would you want that feeling to end?  When your significant other notices your effort to be your best, they feel good being with you for two reasons: you're still the person that attracted them; you didn't change out of comfort, and you are attractive to others; when other people notice you, your significant other gets a confidence boost, because they're with you.  It's a win-win situation.  You come out in first place every time.

I am waiting.

She is thinking about her man.  He is more of an apparition, because he has been distant lately.  There are a lot of possible reasons.  Some people may say that a lover will become distant when they are being unfaithful, feeling unattractive, suffering depression, distracted with work, so on and so forth.  The list may be extensive. 

There was a point when I felt like my spouse's distance--when it came to the frequency of "intimate encounters"--was because of me.  It was not that I felt I was doing anything wrong.  Instead, it came down to me being me.  As a woman, I think there is this inherent trait of psycho-analyzing everything.  For me, I analyzed the lack of intimacy with ME not being desirable or attractive enough.  I would feel this pit in my stomach whenever my husband would "reject" me.  I put that word in quotation marks, because that was my interpretation.  I did not take into account that he was experiencing something that had nothing to do with me: his mother's health; work expectations; physical appearance; age-related libido changes.  I am 16 years younger, and my libido is in tune with a 16-year old boy.  We cannot always be on the same page. 

So, instead of giving into the self-centered assumptions, I am more understanding.  I wait for him.  To prevent the devastating pit in my stomach when he is not in the mood, I allow him to take action when he is ready.  He does not feel pressured and I do not feel rejected.  We need to realize that we will not be running on the same hormonal track.  We cannot automatically assume the worst.  Now, if your significant other never initiates intimacy, perhaps you should evaluate the situation more closely.  But, one thing I prompt couples in this situation to do is TALK!  How would I have known what my husband was going through without talking to him about it.  Even if the conversation was in between tear drops, the issue was discussed at the beginning, not after it festered.

We just had a similar discussion the other day.  Maybe a week had gone by without intimacy, and he apologized to me for his lack of attentions.  I let him talk about it, and he mentioned that he did not want me to "look elsewhere."  We run into this with couples that are going through intimacy issues and a spouse or significant other strays because of it.  They look elsewhere, because they feel they are not receiving affection or attention at home.  The root of the problem runs much deeper than one week without love-making.  I emphasize the first word: LOVE.  If you truly love someone, straying would really not be an option.  You would have analyzed any issues--like feelings of undesirability--before it got to the extreme of going elsewhere to satisfy your needs.  Are we so shallow?  I would like to give people more credit.  Again, if you love the one you are with, you talk it out.  You work on fixing it when it is a small wound. You heal it, and prevent scarring.  You will learn to wait, to understand, and to work through anything.  Now, if you have difficulty with any of the previously listed items, well, perhaps those vows, or those promises of commitment were not taken seriously.  Couples wait for each other.  They walk together through the problems and come out ahead.

What will Santa bring me? Me being Santa.

Here comes Santa on his sleigh.  What could be in that bag of toys for me?  Well, seeing that I picked it out myself and wrapped it up to pretend it was a surprise...let me think.  I have now heard this more than once, and it's a little disheartening if not disturbing.  How long have you known your significant other?  Have you ever listened during a conversation?  Perhaps the latter question is the most important.  Even if you were half listening during a conversation about the other person's likes, you may pick up on at least one thing that they want.  Observe and report.




I am struck by how we are so out of touch with our lover's interests.  Or, maybe how over the course of several years you did the laundry once or twice and happened to notice what size they wear, or simply WHAT they wear.  No?  Remember, we're going over the basics here.  I am not saying that all of us should be so completely in tune with our lovers' style, but maybe a trend, a color theme, something.  I know that my husband dislikes fitted dress shirts.  He wants a little "breathing" room.  But, I know he likes dress shirts.  So, when I head to the store to get him one, it's definitely not going to be fitted. 


During a Christmas party over the weekend, a spouse said that he no longer purchases gifts for his wife.  She goes on her own, wraps it, and SURPRISE!  It's all an illusion for the kids.  "Boy, Dad sure knows what Mom likes."  The worst part wasn't the lack of shopping now, but how he used to shop, putting future trips to a halt.  His wife weighs a mere 112 lbs.  He said that he would buy her a large shirt, thinking that even his choice may be too small.  I don't think that women are so different that "Large" would mean something completely different than the same size in mens.  Large = bigger, not smaller.  I wouldn't expect him to shop in the petites section if she was short in stature, but at least to get the right size or there abouts.  In this case, it was a complete lazy move on his part. 


Again, we are confronted with Lazy Lover Syndrome.  We figure that the effort is lost on something trivial.  We have already gotten them everything they could possibly need.  What more do they need?  What can they not get themselves? Can they not get it any day of the year?  There is a flurry of questions to talk yourself out of being thoughtful during the holidays.  Sure, it's not fun to spend hours at a mall, where the aisles are packed as tight as sardines in a can.  I get it.  Even browsing the pages of a website online may feel tedious.  But, let us look at it a different way.  What about the excitement of seeing your lover open your present?  There is so much joy in that.  Stop worrying about getting the right present.  You know them well enough to select a gift they will like and appreciate.  "Thought" truly is what counts.  Take some time to listen to what they say when you are window shopping all of the other times of the year.  Make a mental note and come back to it at the holidays.  Simple gestures--see: garbage post--make a big difference.   

Take Out the Trash



Crowning a woman's role as the "one to take out the garbage."  Literally.



This is where it starts, really.  Our gender roles seem to set the tone in relationships.  They are the unwritten, unspoken rules that have been in place since the dawn of time, or, at least, when my grandparents were youth. These said rules do not normally rear their ugly heads until people are years into their marriages or dating.  When does the transition from considerate lovers--when you take out the garbage without being asked or just so the other person does not have to--to "Did you take out the garbage? Why is the garbage overflowing? When were you going to take the garbage out?" There are many ways to say it, but it all translates to "Why do you have to be asked?"  


I almost think there is a level of comfort or laziness that we get into, where we lose sight of why we are in a relationship.  We forget the origin of it.  The reason we fell in love and why it feels good to be in love is so we can care for someone and they will care for us in return.  A mutual consideration where you constantly reap benefits.  Am I wrong?  I have heard the frustration in the voices of so many female friends as they relate the stories of their lazy [fill in the blank: husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.].  Their frustration stems from the lack of consideration that trickles all the way down to the most basic thing: garbage.  We resort to finding fault in the basic, because it has come to a head, they have hit a boiling point, from all of the things the person no longer does.  Instead of equal partners contributing to a common happiness and harmony, the scales become lopsided.  We are back in the era of when our grandmothers were stay-at-home June Cleavers, apron, oven mitt, standing before the oven pulling out the roast, while the hard-working husband comes home from a long day at the office, bringing home the bacon and deserving of a hot meal and a foot rub.  Really?  Are we back there, a snapshot from a "Mad Men" episode, where women tolerate their roles as kept individuals, a slave to their husband's needs and wants?  Are men still in the mindset that women are here to make sure the children are reared and to make sure the meals are on the table at the appropriate time?  I don't think that is it at all.  Although, on the surface, that may very well be the case.  Not exactly.  Instead, I think we are mutually at fault for these supposed gender roles. 


Women should speak up for themselves at the moment they become frustrated.  Men should feel equal in their roles as parents and be active participants in the upbringing of their children.  That includes making sure they have a well-balanced meal if Mom has a PTO meeting or taking little Janey to soccer practice.  Vice versa here too.  If Dad is taking Bobby to basketball, Mom should have something prepared for when they get home, to eat as a family.  This mentality applies even with couples that are childless.  Be aware that the other person is tired from a day at work, whatever their profession. 


Everyone wants to know, to trust, that things are taken care of at home without having to think twice about it.  If one is unable to do a household chore, the other will do it.  No one will have to be asked, told, or other.  Out of consideration for the person you love, and thinking that you would want it to be done, just do it.  JUST DO IT.  If you see the garbage is getting full, empty it for two reasons: you don't want your house to smell--you don't; you know that your significant other doesn't want your house to smell.  So, out of respect for their wants and for your own, take care of the obvious.  These are all givens.  Why does it seem so hard?  Imagine if you handled the little stuff, like taking out the garbage, what happiness would be brought to your house?  Perhaps, it would motivate you [again] to do the things that came so easy in the "early days" of your relationship.  Remember where you came from.