Be #1

Do you think Marie Antoinette looked like this everyday?  Without a doubt, yes! 

Now, we all do not have a bevy of handmaids and ladies-in-waiting like she did, but she was magnificent because she was willing to go through the long primping sessions to look fabulous.  She did it, because it made her feel fabulous.  Marie did not even care for King Louis, but she did it because she wanted to be her very best.  Every woman AND man should want to be their very best for themselves AND their lovers.  Being your best self means you take pride in your appearance and how you appear to others.  We want to give the impression that we care about ourselves and we care how others perceive us.  Some people may say, "I don't care what other people think," but why not, at the very least, care about yourself?  When you look your best, you feel your best.  You convey a sense of confidence and earn respect from a polished appearance.  It shows that you care enough to take a little more time to look better than "just good enough" to head out the door for the day.  I always want to be #1.  I do not mean in terms of competition with others.  I merely want to be the best for myself and my spouse.

There are times in relationships where people get comfortable.  I equate laziness with comfort in this case.  We no longer feel a need to try, because the other person has already accepted us.  When we get to the commitment phase, there seems to be a switch that flips.  Now the person is ours, so why bother?  We have what we want.  We gain weight.  We wear less than fabulous clothing.  We do not shave our legs (ladies), face (men), etc. as often.  We may not flat iron, curl, brush our hair as often.  The frequency of showers may be fewer.  What have you.  The point is, we start to get lazy and change our habits.  The efforts we put forth before do not seem necessary anymore.  Why?

Out of respect and love for our significant other and ourselves, why would we not want to be our very best...always?  Sure, there are days when you're tired or it's a weekend day.  We all get a pass when we have a "lazy" day.  Don't make it a habit though.  Make it a habit to primp yourself and be the person your lover wanted all of those years ago.  They are the reason you put forth so much effort before.  Show them you care by continuing to make an effort.  It is the highest compliment.  Who doesn't want their significant other to brag about them?  They will say to their family and friends, my wife, my husband, my girlfriend, my boyfriend is always neat and polished, prepared for whatever event pops up.  It is true that people are judged initially by their appearance.  Obviously, you are judged first by what people see.  This is the same thing that happens in a job interview.  You don't need to treat life like an ongoing interview, but treat it like you want to show your worth from the very first encounter.  For some, first impressions last forever.

For relationships, a changing appearance shows you don't care.  I know there are cases when both people start to slack.  Be the motivation for each other.  Don't allow either person to slack.  Positive reinforcement is key here.  Paying a compliment to your significant other makes them feel good.  Feeling good results in trying harder.  You want to keep hearing those compliments, so you will make an effort.  Even if you don't hear it all of the time, you'll know that your significant other is thinking it. 

Being your best for yourself, first and foremost, is the initial draw for others.  We're the peacock with the perpetually open tail fan.  If you think about it, you feel good and happy when you are your best.  Why would you want that feeling to end?  When your significant other notices your effort to be your best, they feel good being with you for two reasons: you're still the person that attracted them; you didn't change out of comfort, and you are attractive to others; when other people notice you, your significant other gets a confidence boost, because they're with you.  It's a win-win situation.  You come out in first place every time.

I am waiting.

She is thinking about her man.  He is more of an apparition, because he has been distant lately.  There are a lot of possible reasons.  Some people may say that a lover will become distant when they are being unfaithful, feeling unattractive, suffering depression, distracted with work, so on and so forth.  The list may be extensive. 

There was a point when I felt like my spouse's distance--when it came to the frequency of "intimate encounters"--was because of me.  It was not that I felt I was doing anything wrong.  Instead, it came down to me being me.  As a woman, I think there is this inherent trait of psycho-analyzing everything.  For me, I analyzed the lack of intimacy with ME not being desirable or attractive enough.  I would feel this pit in my stomach whenever my husband would "reject" me.  I put that word in quotation marks, because that was my interpretation.  I did not take into account that he was experiencing something that had nothing to do with me: his mother's health; work expectations; physical appearance; age-related libido changes.  I am 16 years younger, and my libido is in tune with a 16-year old boy.  We cannot always be on the same page. 

So, instead of giving into the self-centered assumptions, I am more understanding.  I wait for him.  To prevent the devastating pit in my stomach when he is not in the mood, I allow him to take action when he is ready.  He does not feel pressured and I do not feel rejected.  We need to realize that we will not be running on the same hormonal track.  We cannot automatically assume the worst.  Now, if your significant other never initiates intimacy, perhaps you should evaluate the situation more closely.  But, one thing I prompt couples in this situation to do is TALK!  How would I have known what my husband was going through without talking to him about it.  Even if the conversation was in between tear drops, the issue was discussed at the beginning, not after it festered.

We just had a similar discussion the other day.  Maybe a week had gone by without intimacy, and he apologized to me for his lack of attentions.  I let him talk about it, and he mentioned that he did not want me to "look elsewhere."  We run into this with couples that are going through intimacy issues and a spouse or significant other strays because of it.  They look elsewhere, because they feel they are not receiving affection or attention at home.  The root of the problem runs much deeper than one week without love-making.  I emphasize the first word: LOVE.  If you truly love someone, straying would really not be an option.  You would have analyzed any issues--like feelings of undesirability--before it got to the extreme of going elsewhere to satisfy your needs.  Are we so shallow?  I would like to give people more credit.  Again, if you love the one you are with, you talk it out.  You work on fixing it when it is a small wound. You heal it, and prevent scarring.  You will learn to wait, to understand, and to work through anything.  Now, if you have difficulty with any of the previously listed items, well, perhaps those vows, or those promises of commitment were not taken seriously.  Couples wait for each other.  They walk together through the problems and come out ahead.