What will Santa bring me? Me being Santa.

Here comes Santa on his sleigh.  What could be in that bag of toys for me?  Well, seeing that I picked it out myself and wrapped it up to pretend it was a surprise...let me think.  I have now heard this more than once, and it's a little disheartening if not disturbing.  How long have you known your significant other?  Have you ever listened during a conversation?  Perhaps the latter question is the most important.  Even if you were half listening during a conversation about the other person's likes, you may pick up on at least one thing that they want.  Observe and report.




I am struck by how we are so out of touch with our lover's interests.  Or, maybe how over the course of several years you did the laundry once or twice and happened to notice what size they wear, or simply WHAT they wear.  No?  Remember, we're going over the basics here.  I am not saying that all of us should be so completely in tune with our lovers' style, but maybe a trend, a color theme, something.  I know that my husband dislikes fitted dress shirts.  He wants a little "breathing" room.  But, I know he likes dress shirts.  So, when I head to the store to get him one, it's definitely not going to be fitted. 


During a Christmas party over the weekend, a spouse said that he no longer purchases gifts for his wife.  She goes on her own, wraps it, and SURPRISE!  It's all an illusion for the kids.  "Boy, Dad sure knows what Mom likes."  The worst part wasn't the lack of shopping now, but how he used to shop, putting future trips to a halt.  His wife weighs a mere 112 lbs.  He said that he would buy her a large shirt, thinking that even his choice may be too small.  I don't think that women are so different that "Large" would mean something completely different than the same size in mens.  Large = bigger, not smaller.  I wouldn't expect him to shop in the petites section if she was short in stature, but at least to get the right size or there abouts.  In this case, it was a complete lazy move on his part. 


Again, we are confronted with Lazy Lover Syndrome.  We figure that the effort is lost on something trivial.  We have already gotten them everything they could possibly need.  What more do they need?  What can they not get themselves? Can they not get it any day of the year?  There is a flurry of questions to talk yourself out of being thoughtful during the holidays.  Sure, it's not fun to spend hours at a mall, where the aisles are packed as tight as sardines in a can.  I get it.  Even browsing the pages of a website online may feel tedious.  But, let us look at it a different way.  What about the excitement of seeing your lover open your present?  There is so much joy in that.  Stop worrying about getting the right present.  You know them well enough to select a gift they will like and appreciate.  "Thought" truly is what counts.  Take some time to listen to what they say when you are window shopping all of the other times of the year.  Make a mental note and come back to it at the holidays.  Simple gestures--see: garbage post--make a big difference.   

Take Out the Trash



Crowning a woman's role as the "one to take out the garbage."  Literally.



This is where it starts, really.  Our gender roles seem to set the tone in relationships.  They are the unwritten, unspoken rules that have been in place since the dawn of time, or, at least, when my grandparents were youth. These said rules do not normally rear their ugly heads until people are years into their marriages or dating.  When does the transition from considerate lovers--when you take out the garbage without being asked or just so the other person does not have to--to "Did you take out the garbage? Why is the garbage overflowing? When were you going to take the garbage out?" There are many ways to say it, but it all translates to "Why do you have to be asked?"  


I almost think there is a level of comfort or laziness that we get into, where we lose sight of why we are in a relationship.  We forget the origin of it.  The reason we fell in love and why it feels good to be in love is so we can care for someone and they will care for us in return.  A mutual consideration where you constantly reap benefits.  Am I wrong?  I have heard the frustration in the voices of so many female friends as they relate the stories of their lazy [fill in the blank: husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.].  Their frustration stems from the lack of consideration that trickles all the way down to the most basic thing: garbage.  We resort to finding fault in the basic, because it has come to a head, they have hit a boiling point, from all of the things the person no longer does.  Instead of equal partners contributing to a common happiness and harmony, the scales become lopsided.  We are back in the era of when our grandmothers were stay-at-home June Cleavers, apron, oven mitt, standing before the oven pulling out the roast, while the hard-working husband comes home from a long day at the office, bringing home the bacon and deserving of a hot meal and a foot rub.  Really?  Are we back there, a snapshot from a "Mad Men" episode, where women tolerate their roles as kept individuals, a slave to their husband's needs and wants?  Are men still in the mindset that women are here to make sure the children are reared and to make sure the meals are on the table at the appropriate time?  I don't think that is it at all.  Although, on the surface, that may very well be the case.  Not exactly.  Instead, I think we are mutually at fault for these supposed gender roles. 


Women should speak up for themselves at the moment they become frustrated.  Men should feel equal in their roles as parents and be active participants in the upbringing of their children.  That includes making sure they have a well-balanced meal if Mom has a PTO meeting or taking little Janey to soccer practice.  Vice versa here too.  If Dad is taking Bobby to basketball, Mom should have something prepared for when they get home, to eat as a family.  This mentality applies even with couples that are childless.  Be aware that the other person is tired from a day at work, whatever their profession. 


Everyone wants to know, to trust, that things are taken care of at home without having to think twice about it.  If one is unable to do a household chore, the other will do it.  No one will have to be asked, told, or other.  Out of consideration for the person you love, and thinking that you would want it to be done, just do it.  JUST DO IT.  If you see the garbage is getting full, empty it for two reasons: you don't want your house to smell--you don't; you know that your significant other doesn't want your house to smell.  So, out of respect for their wants and for your own, take care of the obvious.  These are all givens.  Why does it seem so hard?  Imagine if you handled the little stuff, like taking out the garbage, what happiness would be brought to your house?  Perhaps, it would motivate you [again] to do the things that came so easy in the "early days" of your relationship.  Remember where you came from.